When it doesn’t make sense

My first week back in NC after my Ireland adventure was full of questions, confusion, and wondering what to do next. While asleep I had disturbing dreams about what I had gone through and what I might encounter when I tried again…and when I woke up in the night my mind would start racing and I would lay awake for hours…what would I say when questioned again? How could I be honest and yet wise in how I answer their questions? What if I got denied a second time? Was all of that time, money, and preparation wasted? During the day sometimes I felt too exhausted to do anything and many times I considered completely giving up on this dream. I also spent hours doing research and talking with school leadership trying to determine how to proceed. In order to fulfill my school requirements for the semester, I needed to begin interning with someone ASAP.

As I considered again all of God’s promises, the ways He had confirmed my trip, and the things that had been prayed prior to my departure, I wondered why this had happened. Was it the wrong path? God’s protection? Wrong timing? Spiritual attack? I only knew that God is faithful and He cannot lie. But I felt like the enemy was trying to use the stamp of denied entry in my passport to make me believe that I will be unable to go to the countries where God is calling me in the future.

First week of internship – kitchen duty 😉

I was soon faced with the challenge of how to live in such a way that I was making the most of every Kingdom opportunity daily and yet not losing sight of God’s promise. It seemed I could only focus on one or the other successfully. During my second week back in NC I participated in my school’s biannual Immersion retreat and was given the opportunity to help all week in the kitchen and count that as hours toward my internship. So my first week of internship was spent cooking pasta, serving food, and washing dishes. 🙂 Upon my return from the retreat I moved into the prayer room of my house since a former roommate had moved back in and had taken my place in my room for the semester since I was intending to be out of the country.

I don’t know

Last week brought more questions and discouragement and trying to continue to make sense of things and failing to do so…I felt as though nearly everything I had in the natural had been stripped away…I risked and gave everything I had for this trip, and it seemed like a failure. Am I still being prepared for what awaits me in Wales? How long will the preparation process be? What should I do in the meantime? What about my internship and school requirements? I literally am living one day at a time, not knowing what tomorrow will bring or when I will travel again. I have no peace for a new travel date yet. All I sense from God is that He has everything under control and that I need to trust Him. So my conclusion is that I don’t really know very much. But God does, and so the adventure continues…by going back to the beginning, when I first moved to NC and He told me to seek first His Kingdom and then He began to teach me how…by waking up tomorrow morning and asking, “God, what can I do for your Kingdom today?”