“As certain as I am that I was supposed to go to FIRE School of Ministry, and that I was supposed to go to Wales, I know I am supposed to be in Minnesota.”

When God asks us to do something, He rarely gives us all the answers. He doesn’t usually tell us what will happen next. He doesn’t promise that everything will “work out.” And He often asks us to give back to Him the very things He gave us in the first place.

It’s been a while since I have blogged. (Two years, one month, and fifteen days, to be exact.) But the Lord has been stirring me and it seems the time has come for me to write again. I hope that as I catch you up on what has been happening in my life over the last two years, that you will be encouraged and will see Jesus more clearly.

Moving Home

On November 2, 2017, my mom and I were driving north on the second day of my move from North Carolina back home to Minnesota. The further we drove, the colder the air temperature became. The trees became less leafy and more bare. My skin began to get drier. Everything I could see became more brown, cold, dry, and dead.

My mom enjoys driving and so had driven almost the entire two-day journey singlehandedly, but I asked if I could drive the last twenty minutes home. I knew I needed to take some ownership for this move in a visible way. My intention was to outwardly obey the Lord, even though my heart was struggling, while at the same time I was praying that He would help my heart as I demonstrated on the outside what I desired to be true on the inside: a complete willingness to follow wherever He chose to lead me.

Life After Ministry School

So the next chapter of my journey began. I jumped right into full-time work for my dad as the office manager at his two veterinary clinics. My life overall began to take on a predictable rhythm of, get up, go to work, go home, eat, get ready for the next day, sleep, repeat. For a long time I said no to almost every possible commitment other than work, wanting time to adjust before I filled my life full of activity again.

I don’t know about you, but by personality I find it very easy to fill my life full of many things. The problem I face is usually not that any of these things are bad, but that they are not always best. For example, I could easily do a hundred “good” things and be exhausted, rather than seeking out the ten “best” things instead.

As I transitioned home I was honestly also feeling a bit “burned out” from my time at ministry school, where it felt like “go, go, go,” all the time, and absolutely everything was a ministry opportunity. Because of the nature of our school and studies, it seemed that we were always either in classes or prayer meetings or evangelism events, and although all of those things were presumably good things, I was tired.

Questions

Even though I was tired from my time in NC, I found it hard to let go of the “good old days,” and I was plagued by so many questions… How am I supposed to live real, everyday, “normal” life but not lose my love and passion for Jesus? How can anything in the future be as amazing as what I have experienced in the past? Am I doing enough? Am I enough? What is my purpose, if I am not busy “doing ministry?” Why am I here? Am I making a difference? What gets me out of bed in the mornings? Where do I belong? Am I crazy?

I cried a lot. I felt confused and overwhelmed. I felt like I was giving up on all of my dreams, even the things God had promised me. I was angry, frustrated and lonely. I couldn’t seem to connect with community anywhere. I felt like my world was shrinking, that I was trapped inside a fog without hope of seeing the sun again. I felt like I was spiritually starving. I wanted so badly to live the season well, but I felt like I was simply surviving, rather than thriving. Some days it was all I could do to just get out of bed and get through the day. Most of all, I missed the clarity with which I used to hear God speak, the family/community I had in NC, and the times when God’s presence was so tangible. I struggled (and mostly failed) to connect and reconcile all the various aspects of my spiritual life, trying to merge what I had learned in Minnesota with the things I learned during my time in North Carolina.

One day I was at home and running late for a meeting. In the process of running back inside the house for something I had forgotten, I inadvertently locked my keys, purse, phone and everything else I needed inside my car. I was really upset and began talking to the Lord about how I was feeling. Later He showed me that what happened with my car was a parallel to how I felt about my life: I believed that everything I needed (or thought I needed) was locked away and there was nothing I could do to access it, hence the frustration and anger I was feeling. I believed that God had not given me the tools I needed to continue to grow in Him and live this season well, causing feelings of insecurity. I felt like a failure, because I thought I was failing His tests, and I wasn’t trusting that God knew what was best.

Seasons of Life

Winters in Minnesota are long. It gets cold in October and doesn’t warm up until May. Sometimes we have complete snow cover from November through April. During this season, it looks like everything is dead, and we wonder if Spring will ever come again. I recently found a journal entry that I wrote in May 2018: “My heart has been in winter since I moved home, even as Spring comes in the natural…”

What is the purpose of spiritual seasons like this?

– Could it be that God in fact wants us to experience desperate places and seasons, because it makes us desperate for Himself? He is the only one who can truly provide for our every need. And sometimes that means He must take us through the very seasons we fear the most, so He can show us that He really is enough. In the desperate places, will we learn to press in and seek Him until we find that He alone is all we need?

– Could it be that God desires us to be honest with Him? He is a God who desires relationship with His people. He sees our hearts and everything in them. Why, then, do we think that we need to pray as if He doesn’t know what we are honestly feeling?

– Could it be that God wants to build a people who are mature? The way we mature naturally is over time, by experiencing things that are hard, and things that are new. He uses wilderness seasons to test us, to prepare us, and to see what is really in our hearts. Are we willing to walk through the hard seasons so that God can mature us into a people He can use for His Kingdom and His purpose?

– Could it be that God wants us to learn to walk by faith? “And without faith it is impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6). Will we continue to believe the things He has said to us and promised us, even if and when those things seem forgotten by God Himself? Will we seek Him until we find Him, even in the desert and lonely places, when there are seemingly no answers?

I am learning that sometimes it is ok to simply rest. It is ok to say no. It is ok to just “be.” Talk to God. Be real with Him. Be honest.. Learn to recognize His voice. Learn to let Jesus love you, and learn to love Him back with all your heart. Don’t give up. Yield to His process in your life. His timing is perfect. Spring will come again.